My Summer Thesis

Hot-girl-summer is out and epiphany-girl-summer is in. 

This summer has been chock-full of deep introspection and getting to know myself. With this blog post, I am going to share my takeaways from the chaos of the year, realizations of the summer, and aspirations for the future. All this is captured perfectly in a phrase one of my most genuine and dynamic friends, Everly, coined: today, I am going to share my summer thesis. 

I’m not sure if it’s the abundance of time to think or heat-stroke induced delusion, but these past two months have left me with an overwhelming sense of clarity and hope. After a long, tumultuous school year of catching a temporary case of blindness to the bigger picture, having these moments to review the ups and downs of my highlight reel in hindsight have led to heated internal philosophical debates arguing the question: what the fuck? 

Here’s what the fuck: I am ready for life to be easy. 

Yes, life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans, but I’ve decided that when it comes down to it, if something is meant to be, it should just be. Especially in romantic relationships, I feel as though struggle is romanticized to the point where toxicity is confused with triumph. This is not to say that relationships don’t take work, of course they do. All I mean to say is that there comes a point where it’s important to recognize the beauty in simplicity and gentleness. 

The idea that overcoming a huge obstacle and constant fighting for true-love is romance at its core has been instilled in us from a young age. Disney princess movies tell us to slay the dragon, defeat the evil, and overcome the odds in order to be brought closer together and finally achieve happily-ever-after. Well this summer I realized something: wanting and trying are just words. The idea of “maybe one day” insinuates a better, happier future. We all want the battle to be worth it so we hang on. Nothing is as compelling as the notion that maybe, just maybe, you could be different than everyone else, that you’re special and powerful enough to be the one to change him against all the odds. 

I hope this isn’t coming across as if I have given up on the idea of a big romantic love story, I don’t think I could if I tried. As Lana Del Rey once sang, “hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have and I have it.” I simply mean to say that going into this next chapter of my life, I am going to attempt to be more conscious of the different ways love can exist. Despite the addicting drug-like quality of toxic love bombing, I want a quiet love. I want a love that no matter the problems we face, at the end of the day we simply choose to be together. Maybe it’s naive, but I want a love that is easy. 

As much as this first half of my summer thesis seems outwardly projecting, I recognize that a lot of the time, I’m making life harder for myself than it has to be. Being the product of the lethal combination that is an eldest daughter and child of divorce, I have lived my life with an out of control people pleasing problem. 

I often find myself playing a multitude of different roles dependent on my audience. It’s not necessarily that I am pretending to be someone that I’m not, it’s just that I’ve become highly attuned to the ways in which I can highlight parts of myself more than others in order to match the energy of those around me. No one is asking me to change or act a certain way, it’s just that I put the pressure of a need for acceptance and love above pure authenticity. And once you step into a certain box, it’s really hard to revert and move away from playing that character. 

More so than the issues that come from not giving your loved ones the opportunity to truly see you, it is just exhausting to constantly be acting. When I put on one of my many hats, my social battery runs out quicker and I enjoy the company of those around me less- not to mention the loneliness that comes from no one really knowing me at my core. 

This summer, I have made an active pursuit to be more myself, especially around strangers. My takeaway? I am so awesome. Not only that, but I feel as though people enjoy my company more, as if they could sense the realness in my flawed personality. Not to mention that I enjoy being around people more when I’m not wasting my energy trying to be something that I’m not. Be yourself! Wow, revolutionary take, Tabby. Acknowledging how cliche this newfound view sounds, it changed the way I see the world. Maybe it's my teenage insecurities finally making room for my twenty-something self love, but it makes me excited to live the rest of my life as no one other than myself. After all, why would I want to be anyone other than myself? And why would I want to be friends with anyone who couldn't see how amazing I am? 

Anyways, being only a little more than halfway through the summer, I am on the edge of my seat in anticipation to see how my thesis is amended and reworked. After all, as my friend Everly and I always say, life is full of corners.